{Theme song; opening sequence}

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[Opens with a downward view of the lair while suspenseful music plays.  Scans over to living area, where a movie is playing on a giant screen.  Next we see Splinter seated in his easy chair, smiling as he watches a movie.  Cut to movie.]

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Big actor: Where’s our free grub, noodle man?

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Lou Jitsu: [Raph in front of the screen, mouthing the lines with him.] Okay, ha.  How ‘bout some . . . hot soup?

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[Raph grips Donatello’s chest and then Michelangelo’s. Actors on screen yell as they are tossed and Raph tosses his brothers too.  Both yell as they fall face first into hot noodle soup.  Noodle lands on Splinter’s face and he eats it.]

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Lou Jitsu:  Too spicy for you? [laughs]  Everyone’s a critic. Hm.

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Don: Man, ‘Teriyaki Shakedown’ always gets me so [inhales] jazzed!

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Raph: Yeah, Lou Jitsu’s the business!

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[Remote goes flying through the air and hits Raph in the face, knocking him down.]

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Splinter: Then why do you insult the master with your poor technique?  [Leaps off chair, spins in the air, and smashes into all three of his sons.]  Hot soup!  [Stands up as turtles groan.]  Do not worry.  Someday you will be great ninjas with a little practice . . . is something I would say if I were a liar.

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Mikey: That’s nice of you to say, Pop, but I’m tired of practicing.

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Raph: [Stands up.] Yeah, we can be heroes like Lou Jitsu!

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Splinter: [laughs] Nice try. [Walks away.]

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Mikey: [Facing Raph.] We got the squillz, we got the tight color-coordinated team look.

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Raph: [Bumps fists with Mikey.] Let’s do it!  Let’s go out and bust some bad guys!

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Don: [Pops up in front of them with his tablet.]  Yeah.  I just feel like, you know, we need a case to get the juices flowing a little bit.  You know, let’s see what the internet has to say about it, shall we . . . [Leo hops up from behind the easy chair and then flops over the back of it.]

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Mikey: Yo, Leo, we’re gonna be heroes!

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Leo: [Slithers down so he’s on his back on the chair seat.] Okay, what’s the plan?  Solve the city’s rat problem?

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Splinter: [Tail flashes out and smacks Leo in the face, knocking him off the chair.] Hey now.  I am standing right here.

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Raph: [Leo sits up, rubbing his head and Raph looks at him.] Pfft, no way.  We’re crime fighters!

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Don: [Holding his tablet so screen is visible.]  Okay, check this out.  The Spine Breaking Bandit!

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Raph: [chuckles]  Yeah.  Go big or go home!

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Leo: [Slides in between Mikey and Don.] Yeah, go home on a stretcher.  What else you got?

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Don: [Sweeps finger across tablet to bring up another screen.] Uh, okay, here’s something.  The Long Island Mangler!

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Leo: [Sets his hands on the screen.]  Okay, Donnie.  I appreciate you giving your best effort, but maybe we should save mangling and spine breaking for, I don’t know, our second day?

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[Brothers just stare at him for a second.]

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Don: [Changes screen again.] Mm, well, this one’s kind of lame.  Someone stole paper from a delivery truck.

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Leo: [Snatches the tablet out of Don’s hands and strikes a pose.] Not on my watch!  That’s exactly the kind of junior level mischief we can put an end to.

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Raph: Really?  That’ll make us heroes?  But it’s only paper.

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Leo: [mutters] It’s only paper? [laughing and then says louder] I’m so sorry.  Donnie, what did he just say?  Did he say it’s only paper?

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Don: Yup.

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Leo: Did he say it’s only paper?

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Don: Yes, he did.

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Leo: Okay!  [Pacing in front of his brothers.] That’s what they all say.  You think the road to hero town is paved with real crime? No!  It’s paved with the tears of the poor paper man.  And who helps that guy?  I’ll tell you who; we are who.

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His brothers: Yes!

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[Turtles running across the cities rooftops as music plays.  They finally stop on one roof to look down.  Don using his glasses.]

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Raph: What kind of weirdo steals paper?

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Mikey: A dreamer.  You look at a blank sheet and see nothing.  They see possibilities . . . [Raph elbows him in the back.] Ack!

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Don: There’s only one store they haven’t hit yet, and it is right over there . . . oh, convenient.

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Raph: How ‘bout we go stealth and make ‘em wish they stole toilet paper? [Brothers chuckle.]

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Don: Okay.

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[All leap down. Street view of two thieves stealing paper, both with flames burning above their heads.  In background the turtles are bracing themselves suspended above the street between two buildings.]

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Raph: [Mikey lands on Raph’s shell and he loses his grip and falls.] Whoa!

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[Cat shrieks.  Leo and Don jump down after their brothers.]

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Foot Lieutenant: Hmm?

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Foot Brute: Huh? [Both leap in opposite directions as turtles charge at them.]

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Raph: You two go left.  Mikey, go right.  I’ll take the roof and swoop down like a boss!

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[Music plays as Leo and Don chase the Foot Lieutenant.  Mikey throws his Kusari-fundo at the Foot Brute, but it wraps around a fire plug as the Brute rounds a corner.]

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Mikey: [Goes flying around, still caught on the fire plug.] Whoa! [Smashes right into Leo and Don.  All groan as they lay in a pile.]

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Mikey: Where are they?

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Don: [Bottom of pile.] That is you, right?

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Raph: [Jumps off the top of a building directly above them.] Swoopin’ like a boss!

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Leo: [Waving his arms.] No, no, no! [Raph lands hard on all of them.] Ow!

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[Turtles go flying everywhere and van goes screeching around a corner, back door open and paper flying all over.  Van disappears.]

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Don: Uh, quick question.  Did we seriously just get schooled by paper thieves?

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Raph: I don’t swoop like a boss.  I swoop like a noob.

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Mikey: Man, this seemed like a really cool idea until we didn’t succeed at it.

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Leo: [Stands up with sword on shoulder.] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!  Where’d my brothers go? [Points at Mikey with the pommel of his sword.]  Mikey, where’s your . . . legendary optimism? [Mikey groans.  Leo turns to point at Raph.]  Raph, where’s your, ya know, your go-getter attitude? [Grabs Raph by the shoulders and shakes him.  Walks over to Don.]  And Donnie, where’s your . . . your thing, your – emotionless passion?

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Don: [Head down, speaks very quietly.] Here.

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Leo: We can still catch these lame old paper crooks and be heroes!

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Don: Yeah, that’s gonna be hard.  This was the last paper store in town.

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Leo: Hmm . . . Or was it?

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Don: Yeah, I . . . I literally just said that.

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[Dramatic music plays as an image of all four turtles carrying various supplies strike a pose.  The turtles start building something.  Raph holds up a gigantic salami and Leo cuts off this slices.  Mikey sticks an ‘on sale’ sign on a pile of salami and on an advertisement board.  Raph and Leo erect a large cardboard box that’s been cut to fit an alley entrance.  A sign on it reads ‘Leo’s Paper Hut’.  The pair slap hands.]

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Mikey: [sighs] It’s beautiful.

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[Don pops partway out of the door and slides the advertisement board into place on the sidewalk.  Reenters fake store.]

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Don: Do you really think that this is going to hook the thieves?  The only paper we have is made from salami which is round.  Paper is not round.

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Leo: Yes, it’ll work.  Raph, stop eating the plan! [Raph grunts as he chews off a chunk of salami.]

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April: [Approaches the fake store.] Phew.  Okay.  You can do this.  [Enters store.]  Hi, I’m here for the job interview . . . aw no.  [Sees the turtles.  Mikey pops up from behind the cash register wearing a fake nose and waves at her.]  Man, I thought it was weird to have a job interview at midnight.

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Mikey: [Looking at a clipboard.] Ah, Miss . . . O’Neil. [Sound of car approaching and then car lights flash across them.] Ah, customers! [Ducks behind counter.]

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[Sound of brakes screeching.  Headlights shine into store.]

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Mikey: [Pops out from under counter and startles April.]  April, you’re hired! [Hands her a card.]  Just follow the sales script and remember the customer is always right unless they’re a psychotic paper thief.

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April: Ah, okay.

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Mikey: [Dives under a large box marked ‘security’ with his brothers.]  We’ll be in the back.

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April: Welcome to Leo’s Paper Hut.  Can I interest you in our . . . ah! Mm-mm-mm! [Large hand closes over her face.]

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Mikey: [Inside the cardboard box with his brothers.]  What is ‘mm-mm-mm’? [Looks at a card in his hand.]  She’s supposed to say . . . paper!

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Raph: [Grunting sounds from within as box moves around and then bursts open.] Get outta the way!  [Looks up and see April tied up and suspended from the ceiling.]

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Mikey: April! The salami paper!  It’s gone!

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[Sound of engine starting. Van backs up, turns around and drives off with the tires screeching.]

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Leo: No way! [Grunts and kicks advertising board.  Cardboard exterior falls down.]

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April: Mm!  Mm! [Binding comes undone and she drops to the ground.] Ow.

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Leo: This was supposed to be easy.  How do we keep losing these clowns?

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Don: Leo, do you really think I would have let you make salami paper without putting a tracer in it?

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[Presses a button on his gauntlet.  Something starts beeping in Raph’s stomach, making his stomach growl. Raph gasps and looks down.] 

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Don: It’s okay.  I put two.

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[Music plays.  Interior of van shows stacks of ‘paper’.  Inside one stack Don’s beeper flashes and beeps, unheard by the occupants as the van continues on down the street.  At a shipyard, the turtles lay in wait.  Leo is staring at something through binoculars.]

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Leo: Okay guys, this is our moment.  They may have given us the slip before . . .

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Mikey: [Jumps up.]  Twice before!

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Leo: Thank you, Mikey.  Twice before, but now we’ve got them cornered and there’s nothing that can stop us. [Watches paper being loaded into a ship via conveyor belt.]

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[Interior of ship. Hatch door wheel begins spinning. Raph rolls in first, thudding into a wall.  Then Leo cartwheels inside and Raph rolls past him, slamming into something before rising.  Music plays as the turtles stare down through an open hatch into the hull of the ship.  Below them, the two Foot stand amongst piles and piles of stolen paper.  Leo leaps into the hull first.]

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Leo: Okay, twerp and . . . [brothers jump down. Foot Lieutenant turns and then Foot Brute turns.]  . . . surprisingly big man.  It’s four against two, so what say we just call it a day, right?

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Mikey: Whoa!  They’ve got footprints on their faces!

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Raph: Uh, are those flames on their heads?

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Don: Feels like a real hazard for a paper thief.

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Foot Brute: You!  I’m gonna grind your bones with my fists.

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Foot Lieutenant: Ooh, that’s inspired.  We’re both gonna grind your bones.

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Raph: Right.  Listen, bubs.  Before we put our footprints on your faces, we gotta ask, what’s with all the paper?

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[Music plays as Foot Lieutenant grabs a sheet of paper and quickly begins folding it.  Finishes by holding up a tiny paper ninja.]

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Mikey: Yay, arts and crafts!

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[Foot Lieutenant throws paper ninja at them.  It transforms in midair, becoming as large as Raph.]

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All: Whoa!

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[Ninja rushes at them.  Younger turtles dive out of the way, leaving Raph.]

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Raph: Huh? [Ninja slams into him, knocking Raph back against a wall and leaving a crater in the wall.]

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Don: Uh, hey, maybe we should fight now and register our amazement later?

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[Leo rushes the ninja.  Swipes at it with his sword and it explodes into confetti.]

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Leo: What?

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[All groaning and spitting and swinging their arms as the particles rain down on them.]

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Raph: Ah, no!

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Don: Nasty!

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Leo: It’s all in my mouth!

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Mikey: Ah!

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Leo: Wait a minute, wait a minute!  It’s just confetti!

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Raph: Huh.  Oh yeah.

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Don: Paper viscera.

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[Back to Foot Lieutenant, who is forming more paper ninjas. Throws a handful at the turtles, all poof in midair to become full sized.  Raph leaps at them, jumping and kicking and destroying them.  Mikey standing on a balcony swings his weapon and destroys a ninja.  A ninja grabs the cord and yanks Mikey towards it.]

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Mikey: Whoa! [Mikey hits the ground with a groan.] Oh, oh, oh!

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[Two foot come at him and he swings the Kusari-fundo upwards.  It wraps around a pipe and lifts him.  He spins around and shreds the ninjas, then shoots an okay symbol with his hand.  Leo on balcony, going backwards as he slices the ninjas coming at him.  Leo jumps down on a stack of papers.]

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Leo: We’re getting nowhere fighting these guys.  We gotta take out the source.

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[Leo leaps towards the Foot Brute, who also has a sword.  Their swords clash and then they’re swinging at each other.  Leo slides back.]

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Leo: Okay.  You think you’re pretty good, huh?

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Foot Brute: Indeed.

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[Leo kicks at his face.  Foot Brute grabs his ankle, shoves it down, and then kicks Leo across the room.  Leo lands upside down.]

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Leo: You are good.

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[Paper begins whirling in a cyclone around the two Foot.]

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Raph: What?

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[Paper forms into a huge ninja that growls.]

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All: Uh . . .

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[Ninja reaches down and scoops up Leo, who strains but can’t get out of his grip.]

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Raph: Leo!  Donnie, it’s pinata time!

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[All three charge at the ninja.  It hits the floor, trying to punch them, but they dodge.  When the fist that’s holding Leo comes down, Don and Mikey pounce on it.  They strain to hold on. The ninja growls and grabs them in its other hand.]

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Raph: Uh. Huh?

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[Looks from the ninja to the two Foot.  Sees the Foot Lieutenant chuckling and smashing his fists together.  When he does that so does the huge ninja.  The three trapped turtles are all groaning.  Raph charges.]

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Raph: Hero town!  Population, me!

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[Foot Brute jumps in front of his Lieutenant.  Raph plows into them, activating his force field.  Grabs both of them and swings them around several times before releasing them.  They fly screaming across the ship and hit a wall, both out cold.  Raph looks with surprise at his tonfa, then looks up.]

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Raph: Huh.  Ah!

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[The huge paper ninja starts to fall, releasing the turtles.  It crashes and paper goes whooshing in all directions, much of it spilling off the ship.  Ship’s horn blasts.  Interior shot; ship full of loose paper.  Brothers gasp as they pop out from under the paper.]

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Leo: Huh?

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[Foot grunting as they push up through paper pile.  Foot Brute quickly forms an origami swan, realizes his mistake, and begins manipulating the paper again.]

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Leo: [After looking around him.] Hm.  Mikey, the sprinklers!

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Mikey: I’m on it!

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[Flings his weapon at a sprinkler head.  The sphere flames on and causes the sprinkler to activate.  Alarms sound and water rains down on the paper.  The paper becomes soggy and can’t be formed into anything.]

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Foot Brute: You may have shredded our plans for now.  But next time, you will feel the fury of a thousand feet!

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Foot Lieutenant:  Ooh, you’re on fire today!

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[Chuckling, he makes a form with the salami and tosses it at the turtles. A dripping, sloppy form stalks towards them.]

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Mikey: Ew!  That’s nightmare fuel, man! [Suddenly it splats to the ground into hundreds of individual salami slices.]

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Don: Okay, salami origami doesn’t work.

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Raph: Hey, look.  They vanished.  [Points to a ladder.  The Foot are gone.]

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Don: Then what are we looking at?

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[Music plays.  Raph stares at the pile of salami.]

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Leo: Oh.  What is that? Don’t do it.

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Don: No.

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Leo: Don’t do it.  Don’t do it.

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Don: No.

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Leo: Don’t do it.

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Don: No. Raph, no!

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Leo: Oh! [Raph scoops up a handful of salami.] 

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Don: Look at me. No! [Raph stuffs the salami in his mouth.] No!

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Mikey: Ugh! Gross! Ugh. Oh.

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Raph: What? Five-second rule!

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Mikey: So . . .  does this count as a win?

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Leo: Well, I don’t know.  Let’s think about it.  Did the bad guys get their big supply of paper? Uh, no.  Did they build their army of soldiers?  [laughs]  No. No, they didn’t.  Are they otherwise thwarted, and we unscathed?

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Brothers: Yes!

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Leo: Hero mission accomplished, my friends!

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All: Yeah! [They all start rolling around on the paper together.]

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{End episode}